I just can’t seem to make up my mind these days. Since my recent unpleasantness on Groundhog Day, I thought that by now I would have a potential NY Times Best Seller at the printer soon to be ready for Christmas release. As visions of sugarplum fairies, autograph parties and one hour appearances on C-Span at 3 am danced through my head there was a mid-term election.
I’ve sat here at my keyboard staring at the screen watching the backspace key furiously at work reinterpreting what appears on the screen. I’m not sure if my problem is a direct result of my recent unpleasantness, the election or the fact that I have spent way too much time on Twitter. Honestly, I belive its the latter. It was my intent to write about the former but cardiac hunor is just so dark while Trump humor is so much lighter and happier, right?
I’ve tried, I really have. I started writing a few weeks ago seeking the answer to the question: “What if Christopher Hitchens had been at the bottom of the escalator in Trump Tower that ominous day in June of 2015?” But I soon found myself entrapped in Hitchens razor which isn’t really Hitchens’ but nonetheless states that what is asserted without reason can be dismissed wihtout reason. My only conclusion after several days of thinking about it was that there really is no reason for Donald Trump to exist, so I trashed that one.
Last week I went aligator wrestling with the phrase “Body of Work”. Once again politics and Twitter dominated my thought process and totally wrecked my writing abilities. I didn’t see this crash coming. I thought I would transition from politics and “don’t look at my 50 votes to abolish healthcare” to Heather Densch and the NCAA Bowl Selection mess trying to justify including Ohio State in the College football playoffs again. Somewhere I thought that I would put a bow on it about 1,800 words down the page. Wrong, another crash and burn.
I think the 300 lb gorilla in the room is Donald Trump. I don’t just consider him to be a public nuisance, which he is, but the man knows no bounds. He is even more dominant in American Society than he realizes or he could hope to be. I curse his very existence and not because I think he is truly evil. Nope, he knows what he’s doing, well for the most part.
I mean he went to Paris and holed up in his hotel or the Ambassador’s residence and ditched his appearance at an American cemetary commemorating the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I. Which incidentally was about the time the phrase “the war to end all wars” originated.
This phrase was popularized by H.G.Wells and was the title of his book “The War That Will End War” released as a series of articles starting 1914. Most know Wells as the author of “War of the Worlds” published in 1898 and popularized that Sunday night in 1938 when a young Orson Welles captured a nation via the radio airwaves.
So then Trump leaves Paris early to fly back to Washington presumably in time for Veterans Day. Well by 10:00 AM the White House had announced there wouldbe no Presidential events for the day. No wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. No parade with nuclear weapons, nothing but Executive time. The man don’t show up and dominates the headlines for doing not one damn thing.
And you wonder why I’m pissed at him. He reminds me of this guy in the sixth grade named Johnny. Johnny had a second shift job and drove his Pontiac to school, when he bothered to show up. That guy did nothing. Except pushups, he did pushups in the back of the class when he was bored. Then he’d get up and comb his Vitalis soaked hair in the best Arthur Fonzarelli style. I need to point out that Happy Days and the Fonz were still about 10 years from coming into our living rooms.
I think I’m going to start calling Trump President Johnny Pontiac. Maybe then I can put up with his arrogance, constant intrusion onto my television and news feed on my phone. I’m not going to put down my phone for anyone, not even my cardiologist and I do like him. I probably need to stop using Twitter because the sub 300 character count is definitely killing my writing style.
But now, I have a new and refreshing perspective. I’m no longer plagued by the ever intrusive orange headed lout from Queens. Close your eyes and imagine a new image. A guy with dark slicked back hair combed into a greasy ducktail wearing a tight white cotton t-shirt, tight jeans, white socks, black lace up shoes and a shiny black leather jacket.
President Johnny Pontiac